Conspiracy theorists won’t just shut up already
As of print time, under a sky etched in chemtrails, an area man has not shut the hell up about the various conspiracy theories he believes.
“It’s the government!” said Cody Bernard, 20, an absolutely insufferable political science sophomore. “They can’t fool me.”
A long-time Redditor and self-proclaimed 9/11 truther, Bernard unleashes his wisdom on the unsuspecting sheeple in the classroom, on the bus, in his place of employment, basically anygoddamnwhere. According to Bernard, it is his “civic duty” to inform U.S. citizens that the Ebola outbreak was staged by President Obama to control the population, fluoride lowers your I.Q. and that the entire government is controlled by the Illuminati, of which Jay-Z is king with Queen Bey and Kanye West is the treasurer or something.
“God, when are people going to WAKE UP?!” Bernard screamed into the abyss. He gazed into it, and it indeed gazed back at him.
Bernard’s girlfriend, Chelsie Yayguh, is a fellow conspiracy theorist. She said she believes flu shots cause autism, but has no problem dropping acid for three days straight to “gain insight from Gaia.”
“It’s like, just society,” said Yayguh, 19 and equally insufferable as her neckbeard counterpart. “It’s like they WANT their third eye to always be closed. Unbelievable.”
In lieu of modern medicine, Yayguh relies on the healing power of raw crystals, which totally freakin’ work. She would. She’s a Sagittarius, so it’s natural for her to gravitate toward the earth.
Although he does not partake in the crystal healing, Bernard refuses to take over-the-counter medicine because “it’s designed to make you a brainless member of the working class.”
Asked where they obtained their wealth of information on how things really are, Bernard and Yayguh listed various one-sided documentaries from dubious sources and a few illegitimate websites.
“You can’t trust the news,” Bernard said gravely, clearly an expert on what should and should not be reported. “I don’t trust the liberal media. Also, END THE FED!”
Politically, Bernard said he would not go on record about his political affiliation. Yayguh referred to herself as a “Littertarian.”
“Not that I like, actually vote,” said Yayguh. “How embarrassing. Like cows to the slaughter.”
In their free time, the couple said they like to argue with friends and family at inappropriate times using statements not based in reality whatsoever. Also, Connect Four, because chess is “too hard.”
Still, despite aggravating everyone within a ten-foot radius of them at all times, the couple has made it their mission to let everyone know that Tupac is alive, the government knew about Pearl Harbor and that Ronald Reagan was the antichrist.
“God, people will believe anything without even THINKING about it, you know?” said Yayguh, rubbing an amethyst.