Satirical International Eats: Human is the new porkchop
Dear reader, you’re thinking, “This is some kind of April fools’ joke.” That is not the case. Human meat is a still a very real occurrence in our world. Although not nearly as prominent as it once was, you will soon learn why we should push for this protein to make a comeback in the strongest manner possible.
I know this may be unnerving as we are but products of our subjective worldly experiences, but humanoid ethical and moral compasses have and will vary throughout space and time. Primed in your brain since birth, your respective society has likely dictated that you reject the notion of consuming another person, but what about remote tribes of Africa?
Can you imagine being born into a society that treasures nothing you currently care about, doing things we could hardly fathom? I ask this to expand your awareness before I define the problem and offer solvency. Culture is culture, and the reality is that some cultures enjoy people meat.
I was hesitant to write about a particular experience, as it did not resonate well with focus groups in the Deep South, but a scotch and some gummi bears realigned my attitude. The experience: an eight-day layover in a stabilized democratic Congo. Some gentlemen I met in a well-lit bar mentioned being interested in visiting some of the eccentric remote tribes. After some queries and some good ole American dollars, a local crew took us a few hours down the river to a seldom-contacted tribe.
We spoke through broken translation of daily life, and roughly 45 minutes into the conversations, it was brought up that the tribe recently executed a woman for witchcraft (perhaps not the internationally accepted way of dealing with witches, but tomato tomahto). Also discussed: the chopped pork chop they were serving us as guests was not chopped pork chop, but hacked witch woman. Now here’s where it gets dicey.
That witch was delicious. I feel just dreadful saying how refreshing it was to have finally eaten human meat, but who hasn’t entertained the thought, or even been a bit curious? The truth? It was absolutely indiscernible from overly-salted barbecue pork, and for the purpose of science, head shaman Komodin did overcook it just a tad. In retrospect, it could have used some Tony’s.
Now this got me thinking: why can’t we just all relax and adopt this practice if we can find a way for it to serve the good of the populace? It’s not impossible that we find ourselves in a situation where heavily anti-bodied cows generate a viral strain that kills off our beef supply, and the same is true with overcrowded chicken coops. We could hypothetically face a vital protein shortage. For now, how can we adopt this practice to make a positive difference?
I meditated and pondered, and then stumbled upon a fun fact: Louisiana has the highest rate of incarcerated criminals IN THE WORLD! And the best part? It’s a $182 million per year industry! Sometimes, good people in the for-profit prison game get caught trying to make an honest living, like the struggling Judge Mark Ciavarella and Senior Judge Michael Conahan. They were sentenced for sending tons of kid offenders to private prisons for things like shoplifting a $3 DVD in exchange for cash and gifts from private prison pals. I believe these for-profit prisons may be in danger of posting less than exemplary profits, and we must adopt a more cosmopolitan mindset and assist the good guys running the for-profit prisons, and Louisiana budget shortfalls. They have multiple mortgages to worry about, and it’s our job to push for policy change to help these guys from going bankrupt.
Here’s how our private prison systems work: the agency pays outside sources to house prisoners at a fraction of the cost. The more inmates housed, the more the private prison-owners and investors make. It is, after all, a business, and the more overhead they can cut, the more they can profit! We can all trust that we live under a well-functioning state government that rarely needs policy change (Bobby Jindal for President!), and we all agree that our honest mom-and-pop prison owners deserve to make a decent wage. Our dear private prisons are a simple business with a simple solvable problem: find ways to make more money.
What’s a life truly worth? Well, in Louisiana prisons, something like $33 for the day. Some states are negotiating deals with prison owners to guarantee an inmate quota, and the taxpayer families foot the bill when occupancy drops. My modest proposal will lower statewide crime, overpopulation in and out of prisons and provide criminals with a serious aversion. We simply sell our state-run Angola prisons to private companies (profit), have the inmates housed for fractions of the dollar (profit) and turn the worst offenders into a high quality protein for the other convicts when the prison population gets too high. Can’t you imagine the disinfected utopia in which we would then live? I mean, honestly, what do you care about redneck Joe in jail for beating his wife? You probably hope he rots. But why let good food rot?
Safe conversion of prisoners-to-food provides a perfect-chain protein. The chicken will eat dead chicklets, the intelligent pig happily eats ham. Cannibalism in China exists in the name of health, fetuses can be consumed, a problem of their one child policy solved. It’s simply in our animal instinct to eat. I’m just doing my patriotic part to introduce a measure that will help private prisons profit, and assist BobbyJindalcorp. and its agencies with an overall reduction of budget expenditures, to help along the ultimate goal of preserving tax cuts to the extremely rich. Let’s be honest, they are the music-makers and the dreamers of the dream. I don’t want to live in a world where the honest men and women in CCA and Louisiana government are bogged down by high expenditures on criminal activity, when we can simply increase the penalties and solve a whole host of problems for the state and our beloved for-profit prisons.
Want more exotic foods from around the world? Check out international eats online at thevermilion.com!