Commuter parking moved to swamp
As of Wednesday, Oct. 28, commuter students are asked to park in the middle of Cypress Lake swamp due to an additional large campus event that is in no way affiliated with the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.
“We literally have no clue how to avoid screwing over our students,” said director of transportation Tree Faust.
The change comes after parking and transit asked students to park on the opposite side of Cajun Field Monday and Tuesday. Students found themselves trudging through mud and dodging barricades as they tried to find a parking space.
“We decided the students of UL don’t really need their parking spaces,” continued Faust. “We have many great choices for students: for instance, you can pay $10 for three hours of parking in Girard Hall or risk being ticketed for parking at Martin Hall for 31 minutes.
“Students have plenty of opportunities, and we’re not sure why you’re making such a big deal about this when you’re in the happiest city in the world and attending the cheapest university in the galaxy. Get real,” she continued.
Previously, LAGCOE was holding a convention in the Cajundome; now, the organization is sharing with Poor Events Planning Anonymous. Founded in 1969 in Providence, Rhode Island, the group is a “safe haven for those who cannot plan around other events.” According to an anonymous source, several UL Lafayette staff members will attend.
Students are encouraged to bring canoes, flotation devices and driftwood in order to stay afloat in the swamp. According to head of marketing and communications Scruwus Ovur, UL Lafayette is not responsible for bites, injuries or deaths caused by the “unfortunate parking conditions.”
“You chose to not live on campus, and you chose to not buy one of our $200 parking spaces. You screwed up; suffer the punishment,” said Ovur.
“I like swimming, and I like driving to school, but not at the same time,” said sophomore informatics major Maul Edbygators. “Those things don’t mix.”
The UL Lafayette social media team encourages students who suffer alligator bites to post a picture of them, their injuries and a positive (and only positive) message affixed with #ULGetInvolved.
“How about #ExternalBleeding?” asked senior organizational communications major Modine Gunch. “Because this is messed up. Why does the university hate commuter students?”
The person who posts the most positive UL Lafayette message (along with pictures of his or her wound) will receive a pair of red converse (provided the student still has legs) and a free parking space by the student union for only $50.
“How are we supposed to even park in this swamp? Aren’t there trees?” asked Edbygators.
The university responded by saying, “if you keep your Ragin’ Cajun spirit alive and drive quick enough, you may be able to ram the trees down.”