SATIRE: Vermilion celebrates permanent Alumni Hall office from off campus
The Vermilion staff celebrated their 28th anniversary of being permanently moved to the Alumni Hall by opening champagne bottles from the comfort of their off-campus office.
Dining on juice from the ‘80s and pizza from 2005 and toasting to unfounded memories of an on-campus location, the staff stomped on roaches and rodents as they danced.
“It kills two birds with one stone,” said managing editor and optimist Devin Cochran.
While the editorial staff invited university officials, the University of Louisiana at Lafayette Police Department and involved students, no one arrived because they were unable to locate the office at 1306 Johnston Street.
“We went to the Alumni Hall because they’re listed on the campus map and website as being there, but all we saw were some tumbleweeds and dried rib bones,” said Joe Blonds, director of communication. “I guess that’s where the journalism students looking to build up their resumé went to die.”
As drips from water leakages punctuated the party beat, Vermilion editors and writers alike contemplated life from the inside looking out from the land of students past.
“They must have had an easy time covering events and not getting struck by cars on Johnston Street,” mused Holly Duchmann, editor-in-chief. “I presume they must have had something called ‘communication with the university and our adviser.’”
In any case, it must be awesome not having to light 85 candles just to avoid suffocating from the rancid odor,” Duchmann continued.
While university officials promised to move the weekly student paper back into the Alumni Hall, they decided to postpone the move indefinitely.
“We flipped a coin,” said Blonds.
Instead, the university offered the paper staff a spot under the bridge in Girard Park, as the staff is composed of trolls who hate the university so much that they spend 20 hours per week reporting on the very establishment they despise.
The university also offered a Student Union bathroom stall as a prospective newsroom.
“It would be a step up, but not near the level we were promised,” Duchmann said.
In light of offers and disappointment, the staff is making do with what they have. With operations setup between two residential homes, The Vermilion staff said they’re considering forming a commune in the house’s small upstairs building — after it’s fumigated and bathed in sterilizing chemicals. If they decide to move in, they said they will make it a requirement for the entire staff.
“It’s an all-or-nothing decision at this point,” said Duchmann. “We know to keep our hopes at bay since we’ve had so many promises; however, if things go to spec we’ll start a fight-club-like arrangement to make up for issues of location and funding.”
“Part of the ship, part of the crew,” chanted Leah Cavalier as she put on a gas mask and stroked her roach-killing gun.