SATIRE: Lil Wayne drops fire at UL, classes still not canceled
Classes will resume Tuesday, April 19, despite the University of Louisiana at Lafayette campus being set aflame by Lil Wayne’s “fire” performance.
After performing his part in “Only” for two hours, 21 minutes and 14 seconds exactly, the microphone Lil Wayne was holding bursted into flames. Minutes after, the rest of the university did the same. Because 30 percent of the fire has been contained by the Lafayette Fire Department and Saint Mary Boulevard is in only marginally worse condition than it was before the fire, university officials decided to resume classes.
“This is some s***,” said June Showers, a freshman majoring in risk management. “The water from the fire response team has flooded the streets, so the campus is still burning — meanwhile my shoes are soaked all the way through.”
Joey Pons, director of public safety for the university, spoke to the Student Government Association on Monday regarding how to protect oneself against the flames.
“Let’s get one thing straight,” said Pons, “This wouldn’t have happened if you kids weren’t on your phones 24/7. But since you didn’t listen to me with the crosswalks, here are a few flame retardant suits.”
Pons said for the remainder of the week, each person gets one suit for his or herself. After that, they get three escort suits. These are distributed on a first come, first serve basis. If the university runs out of suits, then it will begin raffling them off via Twitter — just as long as those in the running are following the university’s official account.
“If you got a Lil Wayne ticket through the drawing, you aren’t eligible to win,” said Amelia Churchill, social media strategist. “It’s just not fair to those other students who may need it.”
Asked to comment, the university repeated Pons’ response.
“Please make sure you’re not texting while walking, and don’t forget to wear red every day,” UL Lafayette officials released in an email to students. “It’s gonna look hella rad when you’re on fire and the flames are color-coordinated with your ensemble.”
Although some buildings on campus are currently unscathed, some students are kindling more flames on campus for their own enjoyment.
“If you can’t get the flames from Lil Wayne’s hella fire performance, store-bought is fine,” said Freddy Boudreaux, a senior chemistry major. “You just need a spark, a CD and a couple of prayers that the fire you’re starting can get you out of balancing equations.”
University officials predicted the flames will die down by Friday, April 22; in the meantime, they suggested to sit back and enjoy the nice Southern heat.
“Get acclimated; you’ll never know when you’re going to feel the rage of a Cajun®.”