University of Louisiana to ULM: YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE

In wake of UL Monroe’s newest complaints about the University of Louisiana referring to itself as “the University of Louisiana,” the University of Louisiana last week attributed ULM’s “raging jealousy and overall lameness” to not only living in “our academic and athletic shadows” but to also living “in Monroe.”

Accustomed to the lesser university’s incessant nagging, the University of Louisiana — which is, in fact, formally named the University of Louisiana at Lafayette — also offered ULM condolences for “its failure to bring its city an ounce of the pride bearded redneck reality stars do.”

According to a news release, University of Louisiana President E. Joseph Savoie, Ed.D.,  dismissed the noise from the north, as well, remarking that it “sucks to suck” before announcing that he was “done discussing such trivial matters.”

ULM’s insecurity returned to headlines last Tuesday in Monroe’s daily newspaper with an editorial asserting the University of Louisiana violates state law by excluding “Lafayette” in its identity.

As the News-Star article boringly explains, the University of Louisiana System permitted the two schools to change their names under state law several years ago as long as they included “their municipalities to avoid the appearance that no one school was a flagship within the system” — a provision that “doesn’t necessarily have to apply to the cool kids,” said UL System President Sandra Woodley, who called the University of Louisiana “badass” and gave it “props” for its blatant disregard of the rules.

“Technically, the University of Louisiana is not the proper name of the institution in Lafayette,” Woodley said in a released statement. “But the wording in the initial agreement was intended only to instill a false sense of equality in ULM, as not to hurt its feelings or cause further damage to its already bruised self-esteem.

“The University of Louisiana can rightfully call itself as such,” she continued,
“because with its exceptional faculty, extraordinary students and enthusiastic alumni, it is the epitome of everything the state of Louisiana wishes to embody.”

Asked what they thought of the editorial, nearly 3 percent of University of Louisiana students surveyed on campus called the newspaper “sweet” for trying to resuscitate the two schools’ dying rivalry, with senior nursing major Valerie Boudin even adding, “Cher.”

“They want us to notice them so much that it’s kind of cute, like in a pathetic, desperate way,” said Boudin, who said she is “immeasurably proud to be a Ragin’ Cajun,” because she will soon earn a degree from a program in which the 96.5-percent average of graduates who pass the national licensure exam on the first attempt far exceeds national and the state averages.

Comprising the one percent who could not comment were: graduate business students, who were deeply entrenched in studying at Moody Hall where they are pursuing their master’s of business administration from what Princeton Review claimed is one of the best business schools in the U.S.; and computer science majors, whose work in their nationally competitive department rendered them unable and unwilling to reduce their thinking to such levels.

The remaining 96 percent asked, “What’s a ULM?”

Meanwhile, most ULM supporters reportedly share the News-Star’s poorly written sentiments. In fact, they allegedly claim the editorial writes what they “have been preachin’ for years.”

Saying nothing about his alma mater, ULM alumnus Joe Simms only insulted the University of Louisiana, which he insisted “is just being arrogant.”

“Why should ULL get to call themselves ‘Louisiana’ when they aren’t the official flagship school of this state?” inquired Simms, wearing an LSU T-shirt with matching hat and flip-flops. His comments echo those in the editorial made by a Louisiana Tech graduate and fan — a powerfully authoritative source used by the News-Star in its revolutionary piece of journalism.

Sources, however, did confirm the existence of ULM students, alumni and fans who can confidently proclaim pride in their accomplished and distinguished university without attacking others. Although their whereabouts remain unknown, authorities suspect they are “somewhere concerning themselves with much more important things.”

Not concerning himself with “a school that’s ranked fifth in the Sun Belt Conference standings,” the University of Louisiana football head coach Mark Hudspeth told ULM to call his first-place team “whatever you want.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Hudspeth said with a shrug. “We can’t hear you from the top, anyway.”